I'm currently writing this straight into the coding of the website, which feels kind of weird. Usually I use a word document or something for this kind of thing, but I'm here now so I may as well continue. I've been thinking a lot about fictional worlds lately. Sometimes it's good to have a new world to slip away into when reality gets to be too much or too boring. Mostly I've been going into the world of Fallout, both Fallout 4 and the Fallout TV show. Since it's going to be quite some time until we get the new season of Fallout, I started writing some of my own fanfic focused around my favourite character, I'm not sure whether to post it somewhere publically or not. Although that's if I even finish it. I got stuck on one specific scene because I was trying to get too perfectionistic about it. It's science fiction so it doesn't really matter if the chemistry scene is realistic, but I still can't seem to wrap my head around writing something that might end up being so far out of the realms of reality that actual science nerds get upset. And yet, I don't even know if I will be posting it or just keeping it for myself, so it doesn't matter. Well, my other project is trying to bring back Sonder as Sonder Revived, and my first episode was going to be about imposter syndrome. I think that's what this feels like. Imposter syndrome based perfectionism. Ironically enough, since I'm not perfectionistic about anything else but my own fiction. Even this blog, I'm not planning on proof reading it until it's already live, because it doesn't matter in the slightest. It only exists because I'm having far more fun than I expected learning to code.
I'm back with more random thoughts! Turns out learning to code is hard. I suppose I knew it would be, but who knew that even adding a text box would be such a faff! Every attempt has only made more chaos, so I've deleted it for now. Hopefully I'll learn how to add text boxes soon though!
I procrastinate a lot. I wonder if that links back to the imposter syndrome and perfectionism I mentioned before. I suppose it's just classic ADHD. That's me, I'm basically the poster child for ADHD (ironically enough since I didn't get diagnosed until 18, but that's a whole seperate story). Anyone who knows me well enough to see past my anxiety is all too aware of how much of my personality is just ADHD. Maybe I should try again to get onto meds, but trying to even get an appointment to see the GP is hard enough right now. I should be trying to get an appointment tomorrow but I don't want to. I hate talking about my health, especially with strangers, I always clam up and forget what i want to say. But if I want to get any further with my top surgery, I have to wake up at 8am and get through their awful phone system that keeps breaking and try to get an appointment.
It's already nearly midnight now, even on a good day, getting up before 9:30am is a huge struggle. The more I think too, the more I realise I have loads to do. Random chores, projects to work on, all sorts, yet I spend most of my time playing video games or watching youtube. Some days it feels like I have all the energy in the world to do whatever I want, but others I'm just totally drained and can't do anything, no wonder I seriously struggle to keep a job.
Hello again! I'm back with more random ramblings. Today I figured I'd just give a small general life update. I seem to be getting sick so I didn't feel well enough to call the doctors again. I'll try again later in the week perhaps. In the meantime I have so many projects and chores to do. I need to tidy my space; clear the table (the dining table that has esentially become my desk since I don't have my own desk), hoover the living room, tidy my bedroom, do some laundry. I often feel like I need to do all the chores to have a clean space before I start working on other things, but usually by the time I've achieved that I've lost motivation. By the time I've re-gained the motivation, it's gotten messy again. Still, if I am able to get all those things done then some projects I want to work on include: Sonder-Revived, writing letters to people I care about, working on my stories (both my fanfic and my own longer form original story), there's plenty more to consider project-wise too, but I think for now, that's more than enough to be getting on with!
Tomorrow I have the house to myself. maybe that will give me some good quiet time to work on things. But of course, that desire to just play video games without interruptions is also pretty strong. And I feel I ought to be getting outside and enjoying the sunshine while it's here. Maybe if I try and dust off the old time-management skills I can do all three.